Have I mentioned that I started catching up on The Walking Dead? Of course I have, mentioned it that is. I’ve been talking about it a lot lately, and how with technology these days these shows and stories are so insanely convincing that you almost begin to wait for breaking news to hijack the TV and tell you that the real zombie apocalypse has finally happened. I feel like, every time, I have to verify that I am not normally a paranoid doomsayer. As a matter of fact, the end of the world is not something I’m particularly worried about at all.

However, I’ve begun to reflect on what would be beneficial to have around in the hypothetical post-apocalypse. You know…just in case. I have come to the conclusion that packaging tape would definitely be in my list of top five. I’m being totally serious. Packaging tape (such as duct tape, aluminum tape, electrical tape, filament tape…) is more or less technologically advanced rope. It can be used to tie someone to a chair. It can be used to secure you to a tree branch so that you can get some sleep without worrying about falling into the gaping mouths and outstretched hands of the cannibals below. (Did someone just say “brains”?)

If the strap on your backpack breaks, not a problem! Make a new one out of duct tape. If your shoe falls apart, no problem! The fan belt? No problem. Need someone to stop talking or crying or screaming or complaining? Any and every tear and hole in your clothes can be repaired with packaging tape. My new and greatest idea is this: armor. Take a tube sock and cut the toes off and another hole so that you can wear it like a glove that goes all the way up to your elbow. Then wrap it a couple times in duct tape. No biter is going to be able to get through that! Do the same thing with your neck and lower legs.

This will be really helpful in reducing anxiety. It would also be helpful if people had better hearing and overall just paid more attention- I certainly would not be the one who manages to get bit by a zombie in a huge wide open field. But if I did I would admit my mistake like a woman, chop off my arm, and seal the end of my nub with packaging tape. It’s clear to see why it’s time to start stocking up, people.